As you can see, the Denizens of Hell itself (namely, you all) presented me with a veritable book of questions to answer in my Confessional post. Being of stout heart and sound mind, I will answer such questions to put to rest any rumors that I am a crazy, grumpy nut job. And vote for me when the next election for World Book Czar comes around!
1 ) What is something a lot of people don’t know about you?
Good question! I think the thing most people don’t know is that I’ve never been to Timbuktu. Surprising I know, but very true. The other is that I can never be President of the United States because while I’m a citizen and was born one, I was actually born in Canada. So you all will just have to settle for me as Dictator.
2 ) What would be the most offensive question a person could ask you and would you answer it?
I had to think about this one to be honest. A lot of it would have to do with the attitude behind the question. I guess though, it would be someone asking me to deny my faith in Jesus Christ.
On a less serious note, but personally offensive would be if someone asked me if I was a woman. Being bald, goatee’d and rather muscular in the chest and shoulders with a fine tenor voice, I’d have to question their motives in asking. And then probably punch them out for being a dumb git.
3 ) When living on the 4th floor of a block of flats, where should I plan to have my bunker installed?
Sadly, bunkers and urban areas don’t mix real well. If your building has a flat roof, you could begin surreptitiously building it up there. Of course, when the building is blown to smithereens, your bunker will fall 4 stories and make jelly out of you. So stock up on peanut butter, that way any survivors can have peanut butter and “jelly” sandwiches 😉
4 ) Have you ever been in a different country as to where you live and grew up(overseas)? If so where have you visited?
I’ve gone to Israel for 2 weeks back in the early ’00’s. I also did a road trip around Newfoundland (Canada) with an older couple who had always dreamed of doing that. They got a chauffeur and I got to see the sites. Both trips simply confirmed to me that I am a “stay in one place and stick there like mud” kind of guy. I don’t ever plan on travelling outside the US again and even travelling in-country is going to take something like a funeral or family commitments.
5 ) What does the Mona Lisa’s smile really signify?
I wish I could say it was something profound, or that it had to do with me, but like much of life, it was a rather petty thing. She had just found out that her sister had been dumped by the football quarterback at the school they were both attending. Jina Lisa had been insufferable up to that point so Mona was happy to see her taken down a peg or two.
6 ) It is commonly believed that aliens haven’t invaded Earth because they fear your righteous wrath. But one day you’ll die, and we’ll be defenseless. How can we prepare for the inevitable onslaught?
This is the kind of long range question that shows just how intelligent you all are. I love having followers who can think and extrapolate from that. So to answer, your best bet is to keep on reading. Aliens hate reading for some reason. It makes it really hard for them to run their spaceships but hey, that’s their problem, right?
7 ) I heard you once beat Chuck Norris in an arm-wrestling contest. Is this true?
The only people who know the true answer to that are me, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee (who was the witness and wouldn’t promise to keep his mouth shut. You know what happened to him!)
8 ) When you tell someone the time, do you say, for example, “It’s seven-fifteen” or do you say “It’s a quarter past seven”?
When I’m at work, I use the precise 0715 military time but when at home or talking to friends, I tend to use the quarter of and quarter past.
9 ) Why are you in such a good mood when you wrote the Confessional post?
I had just gotten back from date night with Mrs B and we had eaten at a gourmet macaroni and cheese restaurant called Mr Mac’s. I’d had mac and pepperoni with pepperjack cheese and I was feeling full and fine. And I’d snuck in a rockstar on the side, so the caffeine was giving me a bit of a kick too.
10A ) What was the most difficult thing to teach Bruce Wayne?
You probably won’t believe this, but that little brat had a cockney accent as thick as the Thames. It was “ello guvna” this and “blimey” that. Personally, I place the blame squarely on Alfred’s shoulders. Teaching him to speak American with that special “upper crust” sneer took a couple of months. But he’s Batman, so he did pretty good considering.
10B ) What is something else you taught Batman? I’ve always wanted to be like him.
Without giving secrets that might endanger his mission of justice on this Earth, I can say that any time you see Batman rocking the Batsuit, I showed him the moves. If you want to be like him, throw yourself around the room, whipping your spine as hard as possible. If you survive, you’re good to go!
11 ) Be honest, it was actually you who solved the “Death on the Nile” case but since you pitied Poirot you let him had that one?
He actually DID solve that one by himself, with no hand holding from me. But in the spirit of full disclosure, I might have had something to do with getting things taken care of on the Orient Express. He was pretty much out to lunch on Plambian phruze brandy at the time.
12 ) It is believed you faked the moon landing, is this true and if so how was it achieved?
This is probably the easiest question to answer. Yes, I did fake it. It was easy as pie because the truth is, there is no moon. Just a big piece of cheese in low orbit. Nixon didn’t want to do it, but since most of you know how I feel about Commies, well, I couldn’t pass up the chance to bloody their noses. A camera, some duct tape and some metal was really all we needed. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how much money the Soviets wasted after that trying to get to the “moon”. One of my finest moments!
13 ) What is the most infuriating book you’ve ever read?
Either Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, which I covered in a SaBB post or Walden & Civil Disobedience by Thoreau. Thoreau made me so angry for the entire book with his out of touch thoughts on “Nature” and “The Simple Life”.
14 ) What is your absolutely most favorite book (if you have one)?
Besides the Bible, which I’ve read through around 15 times, Dune and Way-Farer are the two other books that I’ve re-read the most. Something about those 2 caught my imagination when I was a teen and it just hasn’t let go since.
15 ) Why did you burn Rome while playing violin?
This is simply vile slander and calumny. I was playing the saxophone, for goodness sake! As for why, well, Billaxus the local grocer wouldn’t stock diet Pepsi but made a side deal with Coke. He also said that only pussies drank diet Pepsi. Billaxus had to go! So while things “might” have gotten a little out of control, I think everyone would agree with me that I just didn’t have any other choice. And then to make things even worse, that stinking Nero gets all the credit! What is the world coming to?!?!?
16 ) Where is the Rebel Base?
Oh please! If that wuss Anakin SkycrybabypantsWalker can’t make me tell, you sure don’t stand a chance 😉 Ok, ok, I did say I would answer. It’s on Dagobah. Hahahahahahaa!
Step right up, Ladies and Gentlemen! For ONE DAY ONLY!!!
Bookstooge, that international man of mystery, that scallywag that made a fool of Poirot, that debonair playboy who taught Bruce Wayne everything he knows, that world travelling thrill junky, the artist who taught Moby the art of Music, the man who ACTUALLY painted the Mona Lisa, YES, THAT BOOKSTOOGE!!!! is here today.
No subject is OFF LIMITS. Bookstooge will reveal the secret that started him on his path of skullduggery, the whirlwhind romances he experienced, the near death experiences, the thrilling adventures, the moment when he saw the errors of his ways and became A FORCE FOR GOOD!
So step right up, gentle beings of the galaxy and for a pittance, a mere pittance, be entertained, be astounded, BE AMAZED at what you will see and hear.
It all started that fateful night. I was born! Much against my wishes I am told and as the years have rolled on, I concur. Oh, the pain within and without that could have been avoided if only my parents had died in that car accident. Christened Marstal Thrasble Youngylis the Fourth (and no, my father was Jedibiah Smahck, there were no previous Marstal Thrasble Youngylis’s), I came into this cruel hard world with a name to make grown men weep and beautiful women shudder in horror.
When my parents didn’t die (in car accidents or otherwise) and I realized I would never be adopted and thus have my name changed, something inside of me broke. The rage grew, the inner torment began manifesting as physical flames and I began to invest in DuPont’s Nomex fireproof line of gear. (By the way, that stuff REALLY works. I’ve made a bundle off of my investment. )
But whenever I would grow close to a beautiful woman, they were always driven away by the flames of my passion. I burned too hot, too bright, too fast for them. I was destined to be alone, forever. Until that fateful day that I met Miss Librarian Girl. She saw my flames and instead of running away screaming, in horror and despair like so many before, she just threw a bucket of water on me. Surprisingly, once I got over the shock of such an occurrence, I realized that I no longer burned uncontrollably. Thus was born, BOOKSTOOGE! Defender of himself, One Man Reviewing Machine, Spewer of Outlandish Tales and the kindly soul you all have come to love and adore.
Since I am in such a good mood today, I have decided to let you ask me questions. That I will answer (ha, I bet you thought I wasn’t going to include that part). So if you have ever wondered anything, or actually nothing but you want to make silly crap up, now is your time. I’ll put up your questions in a separate post next week and answer as best I can. Be warned though, I am Bookstooge, contrarian extraordinaire.
The only caveat is that I will answer NO questions, and I mean absolutely ZERO, on the subject of porkchops. I am simply not at a place in my life where I can deal with such questions. Thank you for understanding.
Dear Manly Journal,
Today, I write about the trials of my life. This week has just been so hard, it’s not fair.
Take Sunday for instance. I went to church early to start learning the audio visual. Well, apparently not only movies have gone digital. The whole soundboard was digital and I hardly recognized anything. It was pretty discouraging. I’ve been doing sound for 20 years and now it’s all changing?
Bah humbug! We should just get rid of all A/V and tell the pastor to speak up really loud, that is what I say!
Monday it was wicked hot. I ended up drinking 8 of those 1/2liter water bottles just at work, besides what I had at home.
I didn’t even realize how tired I was until I got home and collapsed on the couch. I’m only 40, I shouldn’t get that tired yet. I’m not old!
Today was easy and fun, but I totally deserved it after yesterday. Worked on a lake, got out early, chatted up the office staff (Mrs Perl might be a grandmother, but she’s not old either! but that PuddingPop, what a lazy punk. Just sits at that computer and does engineer’y stuff. Phhhh, kids these days, right?)
Then I went to the gun range with W.C. Bombfunk and broke in my new Sig P938. Shot off 50rounds of 9mm, a whole box and my hand wasn’t even the tiniest bit sore afterwards.
So you can see, this week has been nothing but pure misery. I wish I was dead. Not even a reeses peanut butter klondike icecream bar could comfort me right now. Ha, I’m so miserable, not even TWO of them could help.
I don’t know how much more I can take. I love my job, I have so many books to read. everything just seems to be going my way. So how am I supposed to deal with being tired and hot? It’s just not fair!
Before we get into the really deep parts of this post, we here at Bookstooge would like to reassure our readers that we in no way support Narcissism. Depending on how long you have been following us, we are sure you realize our selfless dedication to the eradication of Narcissism. In our eyes, nothing is worse than that yahoo who just keeps blabbing and blabbing about how great and wonderful they are. This post today, with the typical Bookstooge logic, clear sighted analysis and calm, cool & collected proficiency of a true expert, will totally debunk any argument that any narcissist might bring against us.
The first thing is actually identifying a Narcissist. Now, most definitions are of a person who is obsessed with themselves. We deny that statement. A narcissist is someone who is wrongly obsessed with themselves. They think they are handsome/pretty when they’re just average. They think they are smart, when they aren’t even near to Einstein. They think they are clever, when they are actually boring and banal.
Basically, a narcissist is someone who thinks they are right when they are just plain wrong. That is one of the few reasons that we here at Bookstooge know we’re not narcissists. We are never wrong. It also doesn’t hurt that we are even more humble than Moses, the “most meek man on the face of the earth”. (Numbers 12:3).
And this is why we wish to speak out on this issue. People often conflate the idea of self-obsession with just plain pigheaded wrongness and this makes them wrong, leading to a vicious downward spiral of self-destruction and recriminations that is almost impossible to escape from. We here at Bookstooge realize that most people cannot break this cycle themselves. We not only wish to highlight this problem, but would also like to offer a solution.
STOP BEING WRONG
Seriously, how hard is that? I, errr, WE do it all the time. Day in and day out. Week after week, month after month, as the years pile up. And you don’t see us with a swelled head or massive ego, oh no!
We do realize that people aren’t just going to stop being wrong all by themselves. After a lifetime’s habit built up, they simply can’t stop cold turkey. So besides our patent pending “Stop Being Wrong” solution, we also offer, for a VERY slight fee, our personalized Bookstooge Opinionator. Join us and if you ever feel like you “might” be wrong, just send your personal Bookstooge Helper an email with your opinion. All Bookstooge Helpers are trained to the highest degree to detect right and wrong opinions. They will get back to you within 24hrs, often even sooner(!!!!), letting you know if your opinion is indeed right or wrong.
Studies have shown that those who use this tool experience elation and the complete disappearance of fear in their online lives. This online experience often sublimates into the real world. You’d be surprised how many sports and movie stars, politicians and talkshow hosts have used and benefited from The Bookstooge Opinionator. Admit it, you probably thought those talking heads on tv were just well informed, intelligent people. But nope, it is all thanks to our wonderful program.
To end this most beneficial of posts, if someone you love, or perhaps even yourself, might suffer, in the slightest, from that most dreaded ailment of Narcissism, it’s ok. We are here to solve your problems and get you back on track of Being Right, All the Time! (trademark pending)