Today’s candidate: Russian Czar Nicholas II
B: Glad to have you with us today, Czar Nicholas II. Do you mind if I call you Nicky? It sets a more informal atmosphere and helps the readers to connect with you on a more personal level.
N: Not at all, Gospodin Bookstooge. Forgive me, but I simply can’t help but call such a distinguished gentleman as yourself anything less formal. This royal upbringing, you understand, da?
B: No worries Nicky, You do what you have to. Now, onto the questions. We’ll start out with some of the get to know you kind. One of my highly placed Sources would like to know if Rasputin was really as scary as he looks in the pictures?
N: Bahh, Rasputin was a teddy bear. Why ,the way he’d bleed little Alexei would bring a tear to even the hardest heart. It came as a terrible shock when I heard how he had slipped on that icy meadow and accidentally shot himself in the forehead only to stumble for miles and fall into that river and freeze to death. I do think it was bad form myself but considering he came from peasant stock, well, blood will tell.
It seems to me that a man like myself, who has had such deep friendships and terrible hardships is perfectly suited to becoming World Book Czar, if you don’t me saying so. Plus, my mustache and beard are demnedably sexy you know.
B: Okaaaaay. Well, onto our next question. An Anonymous poster asks “Why didn’t you send your family to safety sooner, you stupid man?”
N: Hah, stupid? With a mustache and beard like this? I think not! It takes real brains to look this good. Besides, my family is perfectly safe. It’s me you should be worried about! Gallivanting all over the front lines straightening out those peasant generals. Tsk, tsk. Imagine, an army that doesn’t look stylish? I won’t have it.
That is yet another reason why I should be the World Book Czar. I’ll look good doing it. And styling is half the battle you know. G.I. Joseph told me that.
B: One particular lassie wanted to know how long it took to get gussied up, what with all those medals. As a follow up, she was also interested in what made your mustache so grand?
N: Hoho, a lassie? I’ll answer ANY questions for the girls. The girls all just love me so it’s only fair I return the favor.
How long to get all those medals on? It all depends on how arthritic Franz was feeling that morning. On a good morning, when he wasn’t bent over too bad, maybe 30minutes? But when he was feeling pugnacious or sulky and claimed he couldn’t even straighten up, closer to an hour. I don’t know what was wrong with that man. I would have thought that the honor of seeing me all “shinied” up would have sent his “arthritis” running. (I think he is faking half the time. He was only 60 for goodness sake)
Ahhh, the mustache. Brain power, pure intellect. I simply think about how great my mustache is each night and the power of my brain makes it so every morning.
B: These questions come from a very inquisitive monkey. No, not Curious George, but the Orangutan Librarian. What did you think of the movie “Anastasia” and its music and would you haunt President Putin if you were a ghost?
N: You allow MONKEYS to ask you questions? My goodness, what kind of world do you live in there in the future anyway? Good thing I’m going to become World Book Czar and straighten everything out for you!
I have heard of these things you call movies. A great tool to entertain the useless masses and keep them happy while they waste their lives doing the pathetic things that only they are capable of. So whatever the music is like, as long as they sing it, I’m all for it. Nothing worse than a bored, uppity peasant.
“President” Putin you say? Well, I doubt his mustache is as great as mine, so I definitely would haunt him, just to mock him. Mustaches are serious business you know.
B: A Canadian would like to know what life after death is like.
N: A Canadian? Aren’t they the waffle eating, hockey playing people who kill everyone with uber-politeness? I like them! And considering that question, I’m guessing this Canadian must be an Highly Educated Russian Aristocrat in Exile!
What? He’s from peasant stock you say? I’m shocked!!!
Well, to answer the question. I don’t know. I’m so full of life that I plan on living forever. And that is a big point for me being World Book Czar. Continuity you know. No messy succession wars or anything. Just unchanging peace as I rule with a gentle hand upon all my book loving children across the world.
B: Over the years, there has been a lot of dissent among the Book Blogger Community over so many issues. How would YOU bring such a rambunctious group together into one peaceful commune?
N: Ahhh, now we are getting into the nitty gritty of being World Book Czar. Good! I have mnogo, mnogo plans!
First off, I would bring all the bloggers together at my modest house. A mere 200 rooms should suffice, da? What, a million of these bloggers, with millions more? Hmmm, that changes things. Ok, Siberia it is then! I will create a winter wonderland where these bloggers can all congregate. Nature and human nature will weed out all the weak ones. Then I will instruct the remaining ones in my personal philosophy on books. Once they realize how rational, spiritual and perfect my philosophy is, Utopia will have been achieved.
B: That actually brings up a great point. Another Blogger wants to know what you’re going to do if he doesn’t go along with your plans?
N: Not go along with my plans? Inconceivable! But now that you mention it, that is how my generals are acting nowadays. If this blogger won’t hasten Utopia and my powers of mustache won’t work, then I’ll just have to go with the old standby. Kill him and his entire family and clan. You say there are millions of these bloggers, so nobody will miss one or two anyway.
*claps hands* Yes, I’m so brilliant!
B: Well, Nicky, I see that the clock says our time is up. Thanks so much for coming on over and answering our questions. As you know, the world NEEDS a World Book Czar and I appreciate you taking an interest in promoting this vital part of the book blogging community.
N: Happy to oblige, Gospodin Bookstooge. I am sure that readers everywhere will realize my shining leadership qualities in the upcoming Election and I have every confidence that they will pick the right man.
The Rest of the Story
After this interview, ol’ Nicky got himself abdicated and then executed by his fellow countrymen for being such an incompetent osel. Sadly, this puts him clean out of the running for World Book Czar. I sure hope you weren’t planning on voting for him!
Next Month on Meet the Candidate
I feel like I scored a real coup with getting this candidate to answer some questions. He’s a very busy businessman and globetrotter extraordinaire. With experience running mega-conglomerations and businesses so big they put countries to shame, I present…
So please, feel free to comment here on Poor Nicky’s Interview, but also, if you have questions for Mr Luthor, now is the time and here is the place.
Remember, you can always click on the “Meet the Candidate” tag to see all the candidates as they are revealed or the #worldbookczar one. I hope you enjoyed this. Until next time, Bookstooge Out.