I’m A Winner!

Back in June Powder&Page did a giveaway for some winter writing gloves. Considering how much I’m on the computer outside of work and how long Winters are here in New England, I entered. Not only did I enter, but I swept the field in a blaze of glory. I mowed down my opponents like grass before a scythe and I and ONLY I came away victorious.

Translation: I won 😀

I’d like to thank P&P for her kindness in doing such a giveaway (these gloves are like $50 online) and nothing I say about the product reflects on her in any way. If you don’t follow her, you should go check out her blog to see if what she writes interests you.  All the following pictures are clickable for larger versions. I just made them smaller in the post so I could blab more.

 

First off,  I find it highly ironic that I won these in June and when they came at the end of July we were in the middle of several days of 90+ degree temps. That is 35C for all the rest of you. Sadly, it does mean that I’ll have to wait a couple of months to see how their warming ability actually works.

 

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Second, these come straight from China. They don’t get shipped to the Boutique website you order them from and then shipped to you.  If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say Chairman Mao himself helped with my order.  I could smell “communism” on the packaging. With the potential trade war escalating between China and the US it is something to be aware of. It took a month for me to get these and if things heat up politically, you could be looking at a price jump, a lengthier wait time or both. 

 

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When I opened the packaging, it looked like this. I have to admit, I wasn’t sure at first which end was which.  Turns out the longer end goes on your wrist and the smaller end goes over your fingers. It helped that there was a slit for your thumb.

 

 

 

 

 

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Once I put one on, it all made sense. I’ve found that the lower portion of my hand and pinky finger tend to get colder faster in the winter because of leaning it down on the touchpad of my laptop. This glove should take care of that issue. It also leaves my fingers free so I don’t feel like I’m typing with sausage fingers. Nothing worse than sausage fingers, especially if you don’t have any ketchup to dip them in!

 

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Mrs B kindly took a glamour shot.  Besides keeping my hands warm for typing in the winter, I can see these coming in handy for when I have to go brawling and beating the crap out of all the communist miscreants in our Fair Town.

Of course, the real test will come in 2-3 months when the cold weather starts settling in. I’ll try to remember to do an update post later this year when I can actually test them for their intended use. Unless I’ve shredded them on communist punks of course!

 

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#worldbookczar Candidate: Quickbeam the Ent

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Bregalad the Ent, affectionately known to his friends as Quickbeam, because he’s so hasty!

 

B: The Orangutan Librarian would like to know the answer to several questions:

  1. Who is the most enchanting Ent?
  2. How do you get your hair in that style?
  3. How do you fight evil? (and I’ll add in, in regards to having the awesome power of being World Book Czar)

 

Q:  Hmmm, good questions.  Thank you for giving time to formulate the answers. I know how hasty you humans are and how you want everything now, right now, perhaps even yesterday!

  1. I am. I mean, look at my calves. If that isn’t enchanting then I don’t know what is.
  2.  A good vanity mirror helps a lot but the main ingredient is capybara excrement. It soaks right into the roots.
  3.  I will fight Evil at its source. Humanity as a whole is out of control and as World Book Czar I will shepherd them along the path they need to go. I suspect a large amount of culling will go on to help strengthen the herd overall.

 

B: Lashaan would like to know how you are such a great tree?

Q: Oh, here we go. I find this kind of speciesism everywhere I go! I am not a tree! I am an Ent! Comparing the two  is as offensive to us Ents as saying all white people look the same to you. Or was that purple people? I don’t see real well outside of the green/grey spectrum so my sense of color isn’t real defined. And besides, you all have hideously smooth skin. Nothing like us Ents with our gorgeous mottled bark! This kind of misundertanding is why I need to be World Book Czar, to help shepherd humanity along.

 

B: The Little Panda would like to know how you’re going to reconcile being World Book Czar when books are made of trees and your job as an Ent is to protect the trees? I’ll add in, isn’t there an inherent conflict of interest here? How are you going to answer the critics who will claim this cuts you out of the running all together?

Q: Thankyou Panda for bringing this important aspect to the fore.  The thing is, trees need to be culled just like any other herd. If you don’t thin them out, some species will take over and completely over run an area. Then a lightning strike can start a small fire that quickly escalates out of control. Proper management is essential in tree herding.  Trees will grow where they want and as quickly as you let them so in that sense they need to be cut down. Instead of wasting that, turning them into fuel, building material and books is a great way to recycle them.

As for these supposed critics you mention Bookstooge. I say bring them on. I’ll crucify them!

 

B: Ola would also like some more info about dead trees, is there a karmic cycle and will you replace tree books with something else?

Q: Trees are quite stupid. I believe they make sheep look like your Einstein.  They don’t have souls, or much of a mind really either. When a tree dies, that is it. They can be roused but whatever action they take is the responsibility of the Ent doing the rousing.  I alluded to the whole paper book thing earlier but if I were World Book Czar I’d also consider other numerous, renewable resources as possibilities for books.

*creaks dangerously*

 

B: Ichabod asks some rude questions, so I’m just going to open the floor to you in general on how you’ll deal with people like him.

Q: Miiiister Ichabod, I knoooooooow where you live! Those trees around your house, who do you think cares for them? And they tell me things. Very embarrassing things I might add. A good Ent would never resort to blackmail but a pragmatic Ent might have to do things that his Elders would take a bit more time to discuss, in the name of Self-defense of course. Being VERY careful Mister Ichabod…

 

B: Ummm, ok. *thinks how to reword future questions*  You mention a new type of renewable resource for books. As World Book Czar you’d have the clout to get this type of initiative off the ground. I suspect a lot of Environmental Groups would also fully support you in this. Can you tell us any more about this new wonder resource?

Q: I don’t want to spoil my surprise, but I’ve been watching a bunch of your old movies and I think “Charlton Heston” is enough of a clue.

 

B: Wait a second…….. Are you saying Ola was right with her Comment?!?!?!

Q: Don’t be hasty now.  Think about it.

 

B: *pulls out his chainsaw*  GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MONSTER!  You’re going to crucify us and then skin us and turn us into scrolls? That does it, you are OUT!!!!!

Q: And so your true colors are now flying. I see, only a human can be the World Book Czar. You are a narrow minded little sapling and I’d be doing the world a favor by becoming the World Book Czar and culling ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!  *Quickbeam begins roaring and stamping*

 

 

The Rest of the Story:

For obvious reasons this interview was “cut” short. Quickbeam destroyed our office building, stole our information on the other Candidates and then bounded away into the local forest. That Ent could move, I’ll give him that. If you come face to face with Quickbeam, do not attempt to apprehend him. He is dangerous and unless you’re a master with a chainsaw, he will crucify you, skin you and turn you into a book to write his memoirs on.

As much as it pains us, we are striking Quickbeam’s name from the list of Official Candidates. You don’t destroy OUR office and get away with it. Of course, there will be a write-in option so if enough insane people vote, he could still win. Personally, I’m stocking up on batteries for my electric chainsaw, just in case.

 

Next Month on Meet the Candidate:

Wow, after this interview I find myself a bit shaken. I looked over my other candidates and I think I’ve found a nice, safe, easy one for next month. A little Microsoft Excel sub-program known as HAL1000.  If you have any questions for HK, or any thoughts on Quickbeam, please leave a comment.

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HAL1000 won’t be turning ME into a scroll anytime soon!

 

Remember, you can always click on the “Meet the Candidate” tag to see all the candidates as they are revealed or the #worldbookczar one. I hope you enjoyed this. Until next time, Bookstooge Out.

 

 

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June ’19 Roundup & Ramblings

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Raw Data:

15 Books

5099 Pages

Average Rating: 3.30

 

The Bad:

Valor – 1 Star DNF

The Hyena and the Hawk – 2 Star disappointment from one of my favorite authors

 

The Good:

Target Rich Environment – 5 Stars all the way!

The Hobbit – 5 Stars and the good times are rolling!

Our Mutual Friend – 4 1/2 stars kept the party going!

 

Miscellaneous And Personal:

I only did TWO non-review posts this month. One was a Currently Reading (which I liked doing and I might try to do those a bit more often) and the other was the Fall from Grace about Star Wars and Bookstooge. A truly masterful yet tragically poignant post.

However, when I have two 5star reads AND a 4 1/2star read, well, you know it was a good month of reading. I deliberately wrote a review almost every other day and cut out almost all tv watching this month so I could read a couple of extra books. Of course, with Our Mutual Friend my page count went pretty high too. So another statistic that went swimmingly. My average rating was down from last month, but with a lot of middle of the road books you can’t expect anything else. Plus, 1star books totally destroy a month’s rating; they’re worse than the titanic!

Yet I didn’t read one single volume of Shaman King nor did I really want to.  I found that alarming because I started the series so strong and I really want to finish it. so I’ve decided to finish off the series in July. I know I’ll burn myself out on the series and on manga in general, but I’ve been approaching that point anyway so might as well go for the gusto, as one little boy named Calvin would say. This does mean that your feed is going to be packed with manga. I’ll try to post a couple of other type posts throughout July but you are getting your warning here and now. I do expect my numbers to plummet so I’ve prepared my mind for the onslaught of not being so famous for a month. It will be a real trial for me but I guess being humble is something we all need once in a while.

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Cover Love:

As much as I despised the book, Valor had the best looking cover. It is pure awesome sauce from a visual standpoint!

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John Hobo (2020 Movie)

 

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John Hobo: : They Stole His Lunch, Now He’s Stealing Their Lives

 

Synopsis:

John Hobo was a man of the streets. Brought up rough and tough, he was hungry for success. And breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And elevensies.  And afternoon tea. One day he hit the jackpot.

 

 

 

 

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3 roasted “rat on a stick”,  good as new, only been in the trash bin 30 minutes. But then tragedy struck. They stole his rats, called it “unsanitary”. John Hobo knew The Man had gone after him. So he’s returning the favor, one dead useless civil servant at a time. Detroit will never be the same!

 

My Thoughts:

You know, I’m beginning to think that Hollywood REALLY HAS run out of ideas.

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Almost like there are no brains left and all the zombie who pretend to be alive are just regurgitating the brains they ate last year. Yeah, pretty gross.  That’s how I’d class this movie.  The whole revenge thing is really getting old.

The language? My goodness, I never knew there was a whole hobo sub-culture of profanity. Who knew that “ultra fresh” meant THAT! I was rather shocked. And when the Swiss hobos, who I would have thought would be the most refined and peaceful of the hobos just turned into toilet mouths, well, nothing could shock me after that. Or so I thought.

Everyone in this movie gets shanked. With a shiv. You thought a pencil was bad ass. I almost threw up when John Hobo killed that dude with a banana!

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I found John Hobo to be a very dirty character. And the people he was offing were even worse. I mean, who doesn’t want to off the officious DMV lady who tells you that you “X”‘d the wrong box and makes you go fill out a new form and stand in line all over again? Or that shyster lawyer hired by the city to tell everyone that the city is taking over the whole block and is tearing it down and they have to move, in 2 weeks?

Honestly though, I think my biggest issue was how disconnected John Hobo was. He had no place to call home and it really showed.

Final verdict: Don’t waste your time with this piece of trash.

 

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Psst, Do You Want To Know My Secret Identity?

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Shamelessly stolen from the internet. But I’m “reformed”, honest!

When I wrote the post about bank robbing and llamas, I let slip a bit of history about my criminal background. Since I am now reformed, Maddalena was wondering if I would end up becoming a Super Hero and if so, what kind?

First and foremost, superheroes have to protect their real life. Imagine if everyone knew who Donut Man really was! He’d get kidnapped by Crispy Creme and be forced to sit in a warehouse churning out magical donuts for the rest of his life. Brrrrrrr. But to get back on track. Yes, I AM A SUPERHERO. However, to fool my former villain associates, I’ve had to invert the whole secret identity thing. Everyone already knows mild mannered Clark Bookstooge and his propensity to be attracted to phone booths (one of those lesser known fetishes. For good reason). So I decided that I would HIDE my super hero identity.

So you will never know my Super Hero Identity. It’s a secret!

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Bleeding internet! Look at that, I’m outed already

Well folks, I’m off to prepare myself for an attack by the Meme Factory.  Obviously, this is a job for….

…..Captain Obvious!  😉

 

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Bank Robbing VERSUS Llamas

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Back in my single days I spent my nights, not being a masked vigilante of justice, fighting crime and freeing the oppressed but as the Super Villain known and feared the world over as Mister Money Bags.  No bank was safe, no company president truly slept the night through, for all worried that Mister Money Bags might strike again. Walls were no impediment to me, safes I laughed at, security systems I danced the tango with. I was nigh unstoppable!

Once I got married though, Mrs B thoroughly disapproved of such things and outright refused to even consider becoming a Crime Spree duo. She said she’d rather own a llama. I, being the super genius that I am, immediately went out and bought the most bank robbering llama that money could buy.  The former owner ASSURED me that this llama was like the Van Gogh of bank robbing llamas. I would not be disappointed.

Sadly, for me, once Mrs B convinced Edward the Llama that bank robbing was bad,  he pretty much did this to me:

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I was crushed.  My dreams of a team of bank robbers were gone.  Imagine, if you will, the following headline:

Bookstooge, Librario and Edward the Llama commit yet another impossible heist. Pope is stunned when he can’t find his hat.  World mourns. Authorities claim they “are closing in on the Terrible Trio”. Reward Offered.

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That could have been me. Rocking my own personal Pope Hat.  However, being the bigger man, I am not bitter. I didn’t throw Mrs B out of the house. I didn’t even send Edward to the glue factory. In fact, with my help, he became something even bigger. You might recognize him. Just remember, he got there on the back of MY broken dreams.

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Not that I’m bitter

 

So there you have it folks. How a hardened criminal was reformed by Love and made the World a better place in the process. And didn’t become bitter about it.

 

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#worldbookczar Candidate: Ildico

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Today’s Candidate: Ildico, better known as Mrs Attila the Hun!

 

B: So before we begin the questioning,  would you care to spill the beans about that eventful night and how Attila really died?

I: Bookstooge, I would LOVE to get this off my chest. The so-called official stories have the Old Lech getting a nosebleed and choking to death on it because he was stinking drunk, or that I killed him with a itty-bitty knife.  The real events so shocked me that I was speechless for days after the event and only now do I feel safe enough to let the world know what really happened.

There we were, the Old Lech fortifying himself with wine because he knew I wasn’t going to just let him have me, no matter what the treaty said when suddenly, 2 small grey beings with great big heads and humongous eyes suddenly appeared before our eyes. They pointed an odd looking sceptre at the Old Lech and he just keeled over. The 2 Lords told me to never reveal this to anyone upon pain of grstlzzzk. I asked them their names to prove they weren’t figments of my imagination. One answered that he was named Nashitat and the other Naziat (I could only tell them apart because Naziat had this funny little tuft of hair on his upper lip). I swore myself to secrecy but when I heard about this whole World Book Czar Initiative, I knew I had to get elected and warn the world.

I tried to contact Scully and Mulder but they were both so busy finding out that everything they knew was a lie that they didn’t have much attention for poor little me. And no offense to you Bookstooge, but your blog doesn’t quite have the reach I need. So I NEED to become World Book Czar to warn the world and prepare it for the coming invasion. THERE. IS. NO. OTHER. WAY!!!

B: Wow Ildico, I had NO idea.  Thank you for risking so much and letting us know that the Truth is Out There!

 

B:  An Orangutan blogger claims that she will read anything and that that is a good reading habit. What are your thoughts on this and what your official response be as World Book Czar? She’d also like some beauty tips, as she’s thinking of World Domination herself at some point.

I: Oh, I’m going to have to put a stop to thinking like that! Grey Propaganda is everywhere and if people read whatever they want, they’ll read the Propaganda and bow low before the Lords Nashitat and Naziat when they return. We cannot have that if we want to survive! I will be handing out free survival guides (which include a complimentary tin foil hat) and insurgency pamphlets. Also, a little paper on how to make homemade current jelly. Just because we might be hiding like rats when the Overlords return doesn’t mean we can’t eat well.

As for beauty tips. I highly recommend the blood of your enemies, applied lightly just under the eyes, once a day. Can really bring out the inner fire in a woman, errr, Orangutan.

 

B: Ichadbod has several questions and I’ll list them in order:

  1.  Are you available or do you have a sister?
  2. Is there a literacy requirement for being WBC and do you pass it?
  3. You are a hottie  *wolf whistle* (Not exactly a question but I, Bookstooge, will let it pass)

I: *blushes* *pulls out a kukri and begins sharpening it*

Yes Iccy, I am available. But I have to ask you, are you man enough? My standards are pretty high now. Especially if I’m going to be WBC. You let me know when you’ve got an  Empire going and then you can come calling. I’m kind of old fashioned that way.

After talking with the WBC Committee, they were forced to admit that there is no “official” literacy requirement. However, have no fear. I read Germanic, Latin, Greek and thanks to an unforeseen side affect of the Overlords Sceptre, Atlantean and Goa’uldian.

 

B: Ola would like to know if you were the inspiration for Barbarella. Secondly, she’d like to know how you plan to expand the WBCI, as of this moment it is NOT a global Initiative in reality but in nature alone.

I: Ha, I would tear this Barbarella into tiny bits with my bare hands if she tried to stand in my way. If I am the inspiration for her, then this world is doomed.

As for expanding the WBCI, I foresee no problems with that at all. The Overlords dropped their sceptre and with my newfound Atlantean language skills, I have reprogrammed it. Now I can control weak minds with the touch of a button. It also makes a great cheddar cheese wheel!

 

B: Cheddar cheese?!?! Well, you have MY vote, for sure!!!!

I: Sorry Bookie, I just used the device on you. I know that is kind of cheating but I had to test it you know.

 

B: That is A OK, because I already liked cheddar cheese! But back to business…

The Little Panda would like to know if the Book Blogging Community is any different from the Hunnic tribes and what would your first act as World Book Czar be?

I: Bookie, you tricked me? You already liked cheddar cheese? Well, I guess I’ll have to test this on somebody else.

Panda, the tribes were a piece of cake compared to the clans of the book bloggers. Chop off one or two heads and the huns fell right into line. Do that with the bloggers and they all start whining about their rights and then complain 10 times as much. Worse than babies if you ask me. My first act would be to show them my new sceptre and make them all love cheddar cheese. Remember, Cheddar is Beddar!

 

B: Norrie would like to know any hair care tips, as she would like to look fabulous while reading. No world domination there, just plain old book reading.

I: Mares milk mixed with a tablespoon of the blood of your enemies is a wonderful conditioner. It adds real body to your hair. It also gives it wonderful sheen and that indefinable “vavoom” that you’re looking for.  That and a tinfoil hat is a girl’s best friend!

 

B:  Ildico, I’d like to really thank you for taking the time to meet and answer our questions. Best of luck in the ongoing campaign and I trust your Cheddar is Beddar slogan catches on. As a show of support, I’ve made my own tinfoil hat already and am wearing it. It’s very comfortable and rather stylish, now that I see it.

I: Bookie, you are so welcome. I just want to save the world from any possible annihilation and this seems like the best way to do that.

 

 

The Rest of the Story:

A month after this interview took place, I received a very strange letter. Ildico told me that she had a black out and was missing for a week. When she came to, in a cornfield of all places, she was 8 months pregnant. She told me she is going to name the child Ihm Uhm the 13th. Weird huh? Well, we all wish her the best. Being a full time mom AND World Book Czar  seems like a lot but if anyone can do it, Ildico is that woman! Get out and vote! (especially if you want free tin foil hats)

 

Next Month on Meet the Candidate:

Going to be taking a break in May from all my regular weekend posts, so there will be no Meet the Candidate. June will return to form and I hope that extra time will allow me to get some answers from our next candidate, Bregalad the Ent, also known as Quickbeam.

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Remember, you can always click on the “Meet the Candidate” tag to see all the candidates as they are revealed or the #worldbookczar one. I hope you enjoyed this. Until next time, Bookstooge Out.

 

 

bookstooge