Saw this cartoon over at Benespen. He was kind enough to share. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did 😀
This review is written with a GPL 4.0 license and the rights contained therein shall supersede all TOS by any and all websites in regards to copying and sharing without proper authorization and permissions. Crossposted at WordPress, Blogspot, & Librarything by Bookstooge’s Exalted Permission
Title: The Wings of the Dove
Authors: Henry James
Rating: 1 of 5 Stars DNF
Pages: 544 / 347
Words: 195K / 124K
There I was, reading a lengthy, wordy, utterly pointless and despicably worthless book. I’d been trapped in this book since January of 2021. I would take lunch and when I felt up to it, I’d read 1-5 pages. The author’s determination to make everything as complicated, opaque and difficult as possible made me want to beat him over the head with this tome. But I didn’t stop.
I was obviously a sick and addicted man. But it wasn’t MY fault. I HAD to read this book to prove to all those Literature People that I was just as intelligent as them! Without this book, how could I show my face in public and discuss the principles of Historical Victorianism Viewed Through a Lens of Ironic Byronism? I NEEDED this book. I really needed a DNF but I hid my problem so well that nobody suspected, not even my closest friends. Without knowing I even had a problem, there was no way they could stage an intervention and get me the help I so desperately needed. So I was stuck in a self-destructive loop of Modern Literature and Pride.
I needed a Hero. Someone to rescue me. Someone to bash Henry James in the face while simultaneously shoving all 544 pages of this book down his scrawny throat. But in this Age of Grimdark Villains and Anti-Heroes, where would I even begin looking for such a Hero as I needed? Even when I asked Shrek to use this book as toilet paper, he read one sentence and simply ran away. Where Oh Where was my Hero!?
♪I need a hero♪
♪I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the night♪
♪He’s gotta be strong♪
♪And he’s gotta be fast♪
♪And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight♪
♪I need a hero♪
♪I’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light♪
♪He’s gotta be sure♪
♪And it’s gotta be soon♪
♪And he’s gotta be larger than life♪
♪Larger than life♪
It turns out, My Hero was right next to me this whole time and I never even realized it until it was too late. My good friend, mild mannered energy drink, Mr Silver Ice came to work with me one day. Little did I know that HE was the Super Hero known as The Rockstar. When The Rockstar saw what was going on he realized only one thing could save me. That day, The Rockstar poured his life out for me and destroyed that book because I was unable to do it myself. I stand here before you all today ONLY because The Rockstar was a true, selfless and self-sacrificing hero. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about. When I opened my bag at lunch and saw the sacrifice The Rockstar had made for me, the chains of bondage to that terrible book were broken and I DNF’d it right on the spot.
Friends, I hope my experience can help some of you. I know the addiction of being a completist, the siren call to just finish the book, no matter how terrible it is. The agony, the pain, the deception as you avoid your friends’ eyes and tell them everything is fine. I KNOW. And I sympathize. But you have to accept that you can’t do this alone. DNF’ing is a matter that can cut to the soul and most times we simply can’t do it. While not everyone has a friend like The Rockstar to help them like I had, I vow, here and now, to help everyone I come across who is struggling with this issue. Do you need help DNF’ing a book? Then I will help you.
I will carry on the Legacy that The Rockstar started in my life. Bad Books and Jackass Authors will tremble at the mere sight of my shadow. The sound of my fingers typing will send them into paroxysms of terror. The Righteous Flames of Wrath will be so expressive from my eyes that their souls will writhe and shrivel to bother us no more.
So fear not, mortals, for this day, in your very sight, a New Defender has arisen. The Bookstooge will be the scourge of the Space Ways, protecting all who may need it (and even those who don’t, sometimes anyway).
Before we get into the really deep parts of this post, we here at Bookstooge would like to reassure our readers that we in no way support Narcissism. Depending on how long you have been following us, we are sure you realize our selfless dedication to the eradication of Narcissism. In our eyes, nothing is worse than that yahoo who just keeps blabbing and blabbing about how great and wonderful they are. This post today, with the typical Bookstooge logic, clear sighted analysis and calm, cool & collected proficiency of a true expert, will totally debunk any argument that any narcissist might bring against us.
The first thing is actually identifying a Narcissist. Now, most definitions are of a person who is obsessed with themselves. We deny that statement. A narcissist is someone who is wrongly obsessed with themselves. They think they are handsome/pretty when they’re just average. They think they are smart, when they aren’t even near to Einstein. They think they are clever, when they are actually boring and banal.
Basically, a narcissist is someone who thinks they are right when they are just plain wrong. That is one of the few reasons that we here at Bookstooge know we’re not narcissists. We are never wrong. It also doesn’t hurt that we are even more humble than Moses, the “most meek man on the face of the earth”. (Numbers 12:3).
And this is why we wish to speak out on this issue. People often conflate the idea of self-obsession with just plain pigheaded wrongness and this makes them wrong, leading to a vicious downward spiral of self-destruction and recriminations that is almost impossible to escape from. We here at Bookstooge realize that most people cannot break this cycle themselves. We not only wish to highlight this problem, but would also like to offer a solution.
STOP BEING WRONG
Seriously, how hard is that? I, errr, WE do it all the time. Day in and day out. Week after week, month after month, as the years pile up. And you don’t see us with a swelled head or massive ego, oh no!
We do realize that people aren’t just going to stop being wrong all by themselves. After a lifetime’s habit built up, they simply can’t stop cold turkey. So besides our patent pending “Stop Being Wrong” solution, we also offer, for a VERY slight fee, our personalized Bookstooge Opinionator. Join us and if you ever feel like you “might” be wrong, just send your personal Bookstooge Helper an email with your opinion. All Bookstooge Helpers are trained to the highest degree to detect right and wrong opinions. They will get back to you within 24hrs, often even sooner(!!!!), letting you know if your opinion is indeed right or wrong.
Studies have shown that those who use this tool experience elation and the complete disappearance of fear in their online lives. This online experience often sublimates into the real world. You’d be surprised how many sports and movie stars, politicians and talkshow hosts have used and benefited from The Bookstooge Opinionator. Admit it, you probably thought those talking heads on tv were just well informed, intelligent people. But nope, it is all thanks to our wonderful program.
To end this most beneficial of posts, if someone you love, or perhaps even yourself, might suffer, in the slightest, from that most dreaded ailment of Narcissism, it’s ok. We are here to solve your problems and get you back on track of Being Right, All the Time! (trademark pending)
Am I insane? I mean really. As I’m typing this I am having comment conversations with Dix (the Film Authority) about the Book of Secrets that he’s trying to rescue with chinese acrobats on Alex’s movie blog on a post about the Tempest, where Alex and I realized that there is a secret Island in the middle of Washington DC that only materializes once a year on Presidents Day. Meanwhile I’m talking with Otsy (Over the Shoulder) about him being Uncle Darth Otsy and how I’m his favoritest nephew.
There is a line between being insane and just having complete nonsense coming out of your finger tips. I regularly wonder if I cross that line. I guess that will just have to be one of Life’s Great Mysteries.
Here we go. Not going to link to the creator, per usual. Thankfully, there don’t appear to be any silly rules that I need to ignore either. That’s a good way to start a book tag
1.) You wake up in The Room, who wakes up with you?
Someone You Choose –
The Brains –
Tyrus Rechs from Galaxy’s Edge. Took a nuke to kill that guy. If he could escape the Savages, Jigsaw should present no problem
The Brawn –
Spawn. He might be stupid as a brick, but his superdevil powers make him a force to be reckoned with.
Someone Jigsaw Would Choose –
Little Dorrit. Because no one would ever suspect a little girl in a room full of big strong men, never!
Someone On The Outside Looking For You –
Thraxas. Promise him a beer and he’s a detective you can count on!
2.) You’re starting the game and the first puzzle takes someone out; who dies first?
Thraxas. The beer was poisoned, just in case the hidden Mastermind got thirsty and wanted to chug it. It was worth a shot, right?
3.) You’ve made it to the steam room. You need a partner to go through the maze while you switch a lever to shoot hot steam for them to make it through. Who is your partner?
Tyrus Rechs. His armor will allow him to navigate even if he can’t see. Plus, we’ve come up with a clever plan to hunt the hunter.
4.) Oops, your partner died! Now you are strapped to the Shotgun Carousel. Who do you shoot in the face?
It’s all going according to plan. Little Dorrit gets a face full of lead. Because if movies have taught me anything, it’s that innocent looking little girls are usually what kill you in the end.
5.) You and the last character are about to escape. Then Billy the Puppet strolls in and tells you it’s up to a coin toss to see who survives. Heads you survive, tails the other character survives.
Surprise! Tyrus pops out of a hatch and shoots Billy with a lazer gun. Spawn teleports away to where the Mastermind is hiding and brings him back to the torture chamber. We tie him in front of a tv and put on My Little Ponies: The Power of Friendship, ON LOOP, and slow-motion walk away. Yeah, we’re that bad ass.
You don’t mess with The Bookstooge, MoFo’s!
One of the problems of being a bookworm is keeping track of everything you read. When I was sick last month I was reading close to a book a day. I usually will add what I’m currently reading to my Currently Reading List over on LibraryThing. That helps me with a visual picture and gives a memory aid. The problem is that if I don’t add the book right away, it is very easy to not add it at all. And that happened with some of the British Science Fiction Classics I was reading.
I had read the one about the Moon but had forgotten to note, record or in any way remember that I had read it. So when I got around to the series in my reading rotation, I dived into the next one about Mars but according to my kindle it was book 4 in the the series. And that’s when I tracked down book 3 about the Moon and it all came rushing back. It just just like being back in “Nam for the first time all over again.
I hope this scary story hasn’t scarred any of you too badly but if you’ve ever wondered if you have what it takes to be a Real Reader and Book Blogger just make sure you’re prepared to experience such horrifying things yourself.
And that’s it for today from the trenches. Remember, when you want front line news on the Book Wars, turn to Bookstooge News Network first! You can trust us…
….. to talk about Secret Skull Club™ publicly as often as possible. Or even Impossibly. Just talk!
The second rule of Secret Skull Club™ is to use your enemies skulls to iron your clothes.
The third rule of Secret Skull Club™ is, those clothes aren’t going to iron themselves!
The Final Rule of Secret Skull Club™ is that Psychic Grandma is going to get you no matter what you do, so give up now and don’t waste the effort. Seriously.
It has come to my attention that there are Leprechauns among us, trying to steal our Lucky Charms.
I am here to assert my rights to defend my Lucky Charms with Maximum Force.
If Steven Seagal won’t protect our National Treasure, then it falls upon my shoulders to bear this burden. My fingers are on the big red button, don’t think I won’t do it. If Lucky the Leprechaun keeps on assaulting the sovereignty of my cereal bowl, there will be deadly repercussions!
Notorious PSG, the Rapping Ghostly PSychic Grandma, has released a new post-humous album this month. Titled ♪PSychic Grandma ♪Comes Alive♪, fans were delighted to hear a B side of her now infamous ♪More Dead♪ Than Alive♪ and Staying ♪that Way♪. While critics have derided this album as nothing but a PR stunt, PSG was overheard to say that she believes it’s her best work to date. Well, she did admit that her Party Album, which is still the prime suspect in the cottage collapse that propelled her to Super-Ghost Stardom, had a charm all it’s own.
The one big breakout hit from this album ♪The B to the F of the Ol’10 Z♪, is sure to amuse her long time fans. As many know, PSG is a big fan of her Lucky Charms and in this song she really goes after the leprechauns trying to steal them from her. Nobody messes with PSG’s bowl of Lucky Charms, Nobody!
I was introduced to Notorious PSG through the Belgium Boom Wave scene. While an obscure figure to the musical world at large, PSG is a veritable legend in the BBW community. Many, myself included, consider her the foundation on which the whole genre rests. I dare say that without PSG, Belgium Boom Wave wouldn’t exist today.
I won’t be including a sound clip because PSG needs everyone to go buy her new album. Being a Super Ghost-Star is a lot more work than she thought and I hope the musical community can give back twice as much as Notorious PSG has given it.
In November, I was the unwelcome recipient of 1500 spam comments. I had emptied my trash at the beginning of the month, and as you can see in the picture below, that is what has accumulated over the bleeding month. I realize the picture is a little small, but that is a 1.5K that the star is around.
99.9% of it is that bloody spanish spam bot asking to login. Whoever created that is going to burn in hell! but don’t worry, they’ll be right next to the person who created automated robocalls at 9pm. Grrrrrrr.
Thanks. Just needed to vent for a second there. * deep breath * I am relaxed and in control. Psychic Grandma is not haunting me. I will win the lottery next week. Ommmmmmmmmmmmm
Of course, relaxed or not, if I ever meet the person who created that bot, their face is going to meet my T200 Iron quicker than you can spit.
This sounds like a job for …. Tabasco Man! With his ultra-secure condiment belt, hotsauce is within reach at a moment’s notice. Cayenne pepper is going straight into the eyes of that bot’s creator! Stick a couple of spatulas up their nose and then pull their tongue out with the salad tongues. No longer do us solid, dependable citizens of the blogosphere need fear the Spanish Spam Bot! Hurray for Tabasco Man, My Hero!
Just to clear, I am NOT Tabasco Man. He might just be the most dashing, the most intelligent, the most handsome and buffest hero the world has ever known, but that in no ways means he is me. It is simply a coincidence that all those descriptions fit both of us. On Psychic Grandma’s honor….