#worldbookczar Candidate: Quickbeam the Ent

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Bregalad the Ent, affectionately known to his friends as Quickbeam, because he’s so hasty!

 

B: The Orangutan Librarian would like to know the answer to several questions:

  1. Who is the most enchanting Ent?
  2. How do you get your hair in that style?
  3. How do you fight evil? (and I’ll add in, in regards to having the awesome power of being World Book Czar)

 

Q:  Hmmm, good questions.  Thank you for giving time to formulate the answers. I know how hasty you humans are and how you want everything now, right now, perhaps even yesterday!

  1. I am. I mean, look at my calves. If that isn’t enchanting then I don’t know what is.
  2.  A good vanity mirror helps a lot but the main ingredient is capybara excrement. It soaks right into the roots.
  3.  I will fight Evil at its source. Humanity as a whole is out of control and as World Book Czar I will shepherd them along the path they need to go. I suspect a large amount of culling will go on to help strengthen the herd overall.

 

B: Lashaan would like to know how you are such a great tree?

Q: Oh, here we go. I find this kind of speciesism everywhere I go! I am not a tree! I am an Ent! Comparing the two  is as offensive to us Ents as saying all white people look the same to you. Or was that purple people? I don’t see real well outside of the green/grey spectrum so my sense of color isn’t real defined. And besides, you all have hideously smooth skin. Nothing like us Ents with our gorgeous mottled bark! This kind of misundertanding is why I need to be World Book Czar, to help shepherd humanity along.

 

B: The Little Panda would like to know how you’re going to reconcile being World Book Czar when books are made of trees and your job as an Ent is to protect the trees? I’ll add in, isn’t there an inherent conflict of interest here? How are you going to answer the critics who will claim this cuts you out of the running all together?

Q: Thankyou Panda for bringing this important aspect to the fore.  The thing is, trees need to be culled just like any other herd. If you don’t thin them out, some species will take over and completely over run an area. Then a lightning strike can start a small fire that quickly escalates out of control. Proper management is essential in tree herding.  Trees will grow where they want and as quickly as you let them so in that sense they need to be cut down. Instead of wasting that, turning them into fuel, building material and books is a great way to recycle them.

As for these supposed critics you mention Bookstooge. I say bring them on. I’ll crucify them!

 

B: Ola would also like some more info about dead trees, is there a karmic cycle and will you replace tree books with something else?

Q: Trees are quite stupid. I believe they make sheep look like your Einstein.  They don’t have souls, or much of a mind really either. When a tree dies, that is it. They can be roused but whatever action they take is the responsibility of the Ent doing the rousing.  I alluded to the whole paper book thing earlier but if I were World Book Czar I’d also consider other numerous, renewable resources as possibilities for books.

*creaks dangerously*

 

B: Ichabod asks some rude questions, so I’m just going to open the floor to you in general on how you’ll deal with people like him.

Q: Miiiister Ichabod, I knoooooooow where you live! Those trees around your house, who do you think cares for them? And they tell me things. Very embarrassing things I might add. A good Ent would never resort to blackmail but a pragmatic Ent might have to do things that his Elders would take a bit more time to discuss, in the name of Self-defense of course. Being VERY careful Mister Ichabod…

 

B: Ummm, ok. *thinks how to reword future questions*  You mention a new type of renewable resource for books. As World Book Czar you’d have the clout to get this type of initiative off the ground. I suspect a lot of Environmental Groups would also fully support you in this. Can you tell us any more about this new wonder resource?

Q: I don’t want to spoil my surprise, but I’ve been watching a bunch of your old movies and I think “Charlton Heston” is enough of a clue.

 

B: Wait a second…….. Are you saying Ola was right with her Comment?!?!?!

Q: Don’t be hasty now.  Think about it.

 

B: *pulls out his chainsaw*  GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MONSTER!  You’re going to crucify us and then skin us and turn us into scrolls? That does it, you are OUT!!!!!

Q: And so your true colors are now flying. I see, only a human can be the World Book Czar. You are a narrow minded little sapling and I’d be doing the world a favor by becoming the World Book Czar and culling ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!  *Quickbeam begins roaring and stamping*

 

 

The Rest of the Story:

For obvious reasons this interview was “cut” short. Quickbeam destroyed our office building, stole our information on the other Candidates and then bounded away into the local forest. That Ent could move, I’ll give him that. If you come face to face with Quickbeam, do not attempt to apprehend him. He is dangerous and unless you’re a master with a chainsaw, he will crucify you, skin you and turn you into a book to write his memoirs on.

As much as it pains us, we are striking Quickbeam’s name from the list of Official Candidates. You don’t destroy OUR office and get away with it. Of course, there will be a write-in option so if enough insane people vote, he could still win. Personally, I’m stocking up on batteries for my electric chainsaw, just in case.

 

Next Month on Meet the Candidate:

Wow, after this interview I find myself a bit shaken. I looked over my other candidates and I think I’ve found a nice, safe, easy one for next month. A little Microsoft Excel sub-program known as HAL1000.  If you have any questions for HK, or any thoughts on Quickbeam, please leave a comment.

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HAL1000 won’t be turning ME into a scroll anytime soon!

 

Remember, you can always click on the “Meet the Candidate” tag to see all the candidates as they are revealed or the #worldbookczar one. I hope you enjoyed this. Until next time, Bookstooge Out.

 

 

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I sing on Independence Day

♪It’s the Fourth of July as we know it♪
♪It’s the Fourth of July as we know it♪
♪It’s the Fourth of July as we know it, ♪and I feel fine♪

♪Tax our tea, steal our resources, we can’t vote♪
♪Look out Britain, we got your goat♪
♪Uh oh, overflow, lots o’ cloth, flagging furled♪
♪But it’ll do, save yourself, save the world♪
♪World got Hitlerized, we kicked his little ass♪
♪Tell me ’bout the Jihad and the towers on the right and left,♪
♪You vitriolic, psychotic, little piece of shite,♪
♪Now we’re gonna fight♪

♪It’s the Fourth of July as we know it♪
♪It’s the Fourth of July as we know it♪
♪It’s the Fourth of July as we know it, ♪and I feel fine♪

 

Yeah, ok, while the End of the World is a pretty fun song to crank out, it is wicked hard to get the word rhythm correct. Today is The United States of America’s Independence Day.  I am proud to be an American. The world needs true patriots, not backside lickspittles who’d sell their grandmothers for an advantage.

 

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Quote from “Death Wish”

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Your guts said one thing, your head said another, and your guts usually won; ….

…..the head made it crystal clear it wasn’t enough to let blind rage sweep over you…

….lunatic rage was no match for a gun. The only match for a gun was a gun of your own.

`Death Wish, page 84

 

 

Goodness, I’m loving this book. I’m already looking forward to writing a review of it. Wish I could find an edition that wasn’t a “movie” version with Charles Bronson’s face on it. I guess even the 70’s had to endure the scourge of “movie success” and books. But at least they had cool music…

 

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June ’19 Roundup & Ramblings

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Raw Data:

15 Books

5099 Pages

Average Rating: 3.30

 

The Bad:

Valor – 1 Star DNF

The Hyena and the Hawk – 2 Star disappointment from one of my favorite authors

 

The Good:

Target Rich Environment – 5 Stars all the way!

The Hobbit – 5 Stars and the good times are rolling!

Our Mutual Friend – 4 1/2 stars kept the party going!

 

Miscellaneous And Personal:

I only did TWO non-review posts this month. One was a Currently Reading (which I liked doing and I might try to do those a bit more often) and the other was the Fall from Grace about Star Wars and Bookstooge. A truly masterful yet tragically poignant post.

However, when I have two 5star reads AND a 4 1/2star read, well, you know it was a good month of reading. I deliberately wrote a review almost every other day and cut out almost all tv watching this month so I could read a couple of extra books. Of course, with Our Mutual Friend my page count went pretty high too. So another statistic that went swimmingly. My average rating was down from last month, but with a lot of middle of the road books you can’t expect anything else. Plus, 1star books totally destroy a month’s rating; they’re worse than the titanic!

Yet I didn’t read one single volume of Shaman King nor did I really want to.  I found that alarming because I started the series so strong and I really want to finish it. so I’ve decided to finish off the series in July. I know I’ll burn myself out on the series and on manga in general, but I’ve been approaching that point anyway so might as well go for the gusto, as one little boy named Calvin would say. This does mean that your feed is going to be packed with manga. I’ll try to post a couple of other type posts throughout July but you are getting your warning here and now. I do expect my numbers to plummet so I’ve prepared my mind for the onslaught of not being so famous for a month. It will be a real trial for me but I guess being humble is something we all need once in a while.

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Cover Love:

As much as I despised the book, Valor had the best looking cover. It is pure awesome sauce from a visual standpoint!

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Bookstooge & Star Wars: A Tragedy of Shakespearian Proportion

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Last month (or so) Ola and Pio from Re-Enchantment of the World, did a Nostalgia post on Star Wars.  If you haven’t read it and have any love of Star Wars, I highly recommend their post, it was fantastic! It also reminded me that I had been a big fan of Star Wars for a very long time.

I know that now whenever Star Wars is now mentioned I’m pretty negative about it. I don’t keep that a secret, whether it is about the books or new movies. But it wasn’t always that way.

I was born in the late 70’s and by the time Return of the Jedi had come out I was aware enough of Star Wars to know how awesome it was. Of course, that was mainly because a neighbor boy had almost all the toys.  But I became very well versed in the Star Wars lore based on those toys.  As time passed I watched the movies from the library, on vhs.  You might say I was as much a naive farm boy was Luke ever was.

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When the Special Edition vhs editions came out in ’97, I bought them and me and my siblings and some friends had a Star Wars party. I don’t remember what everyone dressed up as, but it was cool. We were pretty cool in fact and we loved Star Wars. Even now, when I don’t have a vhs player or anyway to watch these, I’m not giving them away. They have Memory Value to me, big time.

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After that, I began to devour the Star Wars Extended Universe books. The Thrawn Trilogy was my gateway, like for so many other people and it just went on from there. The EU was really expanding and a new Star Wars book would come out every couple of months it seemed like. Even with the bad ones I felt like I was swimming in gravy. When you’re 19, a year is a long time and anything from a niche cult classic was good.

I bought, played and beat the Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight video game on both Light and Dark paths.

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I bought the boxset of the audio tracks for the original trilogy too.

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Then the prequels came out. I can remember how EXCITED I was for Episode One.  I remember hearing someone say they didn’t think it was that great and I distinctly know the word “blasphemy” sped across my mind. I was convinced it was going to be so great.  On one of our field trips I saw the book in a bookshop and spent some of my very precious cash on it. I sat in the van the rest of the afternoon reading it instead of going on tours and seeing the Washington Monument and other such useless things. Star Wars was more important. Then I watched it with a group of guys at Bibleschool.  I enjoyed it immensely but deep down inside I realized exactly what that person who spoke blasphemy meant. It was not “Great” with a capital “G”.

But it didn’t matter because more and more books were coming out. Prequel books, Clone War era books, then the massive 21 books series collectively known as the New Jedi Order.  More and more and more books. The rest of the prequel movies came out as well and that was when everyone realized Lucas wasn’t the genius behind the original trilogy. We got lucky he didn’t direct them. But I still loved Star Wars.

Star Wars had moved from the Niche Cult Classic into the Main Stream and I was a fan. I watched Star Wars, I read Star Wars, I played Star Wars, I listened to Star Wars.

**STRONG AND PROFANE LANGUAGE. I APOLOGIZE AHEAD OF TIME**

Sadly, the prequels were the first small step onto my journey towards becoming a Non-Fan. When Lucas released the original trilogy on dvd for the first time, he fucked every fan in the ass with no lube, laughed at us and told us to shut the fuck up and ask for more. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please feel free to ask in the comments.

***END STRONG AND PROFANE LANGUAGE***

But the books kept on rolling out. The EU was growing. New characters were trying to emerge. Then the next big hit came. In 2014 the EU was declared Non-Canon. It was unceremoniously chucked out the window to make room for Disney, which Lucas had sold Star Wars to. Star Wars was now a common franchise whore. No longer a precious jewel to be cherished by her fans but a wildly successful money maker. George Lucas knew no shame and Disney never had any.

My hope, while just an ember, was still producing heat. The Force Awakens would surely redeem all these business decisions, right? Then I watched the movie and my final flame of hope flickered out.  Star Wars was now nothing but grey ash that greedy bullies had pissed all over.  A literal lifetime of fandom was dead. The only lesson I learned was to never become too invested in something you don’t control, because some jerk will eventually destroy it. Thus my Journey from Farmboy Jones to Darth Bookstooge was completed. (Man, I’m depressing myself here. Sorry about that.)

There is no happy ending for me here. The best I can do is to try to not rain on other peoples’ blogs when they go on about new Star Wars books and even then I know I’m not successful. See, I told you this was a tragedy worthy of Shakespeare.

 

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ps,

My apologies for dragging Ola and Pio’s wonderfully upbeat post into such a sad one.

Currently Reading: Valor (and it’s not looking good)

valor (Custom)Even after my abysmal start with John Gwynne and his arrogant debut with Malice, I was the bigger man and decided to give the rat a second chance. The book hadn’t even started and the (what can I use as a pejorative that isn’t a profanity? I need a word that adequately describes my dislike of the man, the author, the style and in fact, every single thing about him) son of a ghuhn was already rubbing my face in his sickening, overwheening pride. The Cast of Characters was right at the beginning of the book and if you remember (and if you don’t I’m going to remind you), my first big complaint was that Gwynne debuted a first book in a series with over 45 named characters. Well, that rat ghuhn listed 94 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (I know, because I counted them) characters in his cast of characters. I stuck my tongue into the corner of my mouth, calmly closed my kindle Oasis and didn’t read another word for over 24hrs.

I had to think. So I turned to the series of books that I consider to be the most dense, the most depressing, the best written and the most awesome of storylines, the Malazan Books of the Fallen. In Reaper’s Gale the Cast of Characters is 153. However, that was Book 7 of a series of 10, where each book was actually a double novel. So I checked out the second book, Deadhouse Gates and it clocks in at around 84 characters.

Honestly, I can’t figure out why I have such problems with Gwynne doing this when I’ve seen it done already. Maybe because I now associate Malazan and Erikson with 1000 page nihilistic existentialism soap box preaching and complete and utter authorial disregard for actually telling a story? And I’m concerned Gwynne is going to go down that road? I already know this is grim stuff, so that strikes against it but I can’t figure it out. That bugs the living daylights out of me. 

Right now, the following is ME and what you can’t see is John Gwynne prostrate at my feet as I decide if I’ll swing the axe or not.

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I started reading again last night and I’m still on the fence. If you don’t see a review of this next week you’ll know I stuck to it.

 

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ps,

I found the perfect term. Dirty Louse.

May ’19 Roundup & Ramblings

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Raw Data:

12 Books

3428 Pages

3.38 Average Rating

 

The Bad:

The Wrecking Crew – 1.5 stars

 

The Good:

Kellanved’s Reach – 4 stars

 

Movie:

Didn’t do a real movie review,  just reviewed a fake movie that I made up in my head. Sometimes those are the best kind of movies, and sometimes, like John Hobo, they’re the worst kind!

 

Miscellaneous And Personal:

Man, this month was something. Readingwise, it was middle of the road land the whole month. My average was up but that was because I didn’t read more than one stinker this month. I’d prefer my average to go up because I read so many SUPER books.

The car situation has been rectified. We went down to 1 car for a couple of weeks and I did double duty driving Mrs B to work and picking her up as well as taking myself to and from work. Very thankful we got another car and that it passed inspection with no issues.

Non-review writing, I feel like I wrote up a storm, even while the reality is that I just changed from doing scheduled things to whatever crossed my mind. I did a Currently Reading post to show you all the list of what I rotate through,  revealed My Secret Identity,  talked about Chainsaws & Guns (from a real perspective, not a psycho mass murdering perspective), posted how Mrs B saved me from a Life of Crime, did a Book Catch and then had a good talk/discussion PSA post about Commenting on Other’s Comments.

I enjoyed writing this month and I have a feeling I’ll be stopping any monthly type of non-review post.  Not sure if that means I’ll be writing less or not though. Working on my backlog of old reviews takes a lot out of me, even when I don’t have to type very much at all. Just writing those little bits is enough to dry up the well of my writing desire. Of course, the alternative is to have posts like John Hobo every week. Nobody deserves that!

WBCI: (World Book Czar Initiative)

Didn’t write one up this month but I do plan on having Quickbeam the Ent on for June. Please look forward to it.

 

Cover Love:

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Reusing the pix from my Book catch post but I really liked the cover to Kellanved’s Reach. Best book of the month and best looking cover. Given all the middle of the road stuff, I guess I’m ok with this.

 

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