B: The Orangutan Librarian would like to know the answer to several questions:
- Who is the most enchanting Ent?
- How do you get your hair in that style?
- How do you fight evil? (and I’ll add in, in regards to having the awesome power of being World Book Czar)
Q: Hmmm, good questions. Thank you for giving time to formulate the answers. I know how hasty you humans are and how you want everything now, right now, perhaps even yesterday!
- I am. I mean, look at my calves. If that isn’t enchanting then I don’t know what is.
- A good vanity mirror helps a lot but the main ingredient is capybara excrement. It soaks right into the roots.
- I will fight Evil at its source. Humanity as a whole is out of control and as World Book Czar I will shepherd them along the path they need to go. I suspect a large amount of culling will go on to help strengthen the herd overall.
B: Lashaan would like to know how you are such a great tree?
Q: Oh, here we go. I find this kind of speciesism everywhere I go! I am not a tree! I am an Ent! Comparing the two is as offensive to us Ents as saying all white people look the same to you. Or was that purple people? I don’t see real well outside of the green/grey spectrum so my sense of color isn’t real defined. And besides, you all have hideously smooth skin. Nothing like us Ents with our gorgeous mottled bark! This kind of misundertanding is why I need to be World Book Czar, to help shepherd humanity along.
B: The Little Panda would like to know how you’re going to reconcile being World Book Czar when books are made of trees and your job as an Ent is to protect the trees? I’ll add in, isn’t there an inherent conflict of interest here? How are you going to answer the critics who will claim this cuts you out of the running all together?
Q: Thankyou Panda for bringing this important aspect to the fore. The thing is, trees need to be culled just like any other herd. If you don’t thin them out, some species will take over and completely over run an area. Then a lightning strike can start a small fire that quickly escalates out of control. Proper management is essential in tree herding. Trees will grow where they want and as quickly as you let them so in that sense they need to be cut down. Instead of wasting that, turning them into fuel, building material and books is a great way to recycle them.
As for these supposed critics you mention Bookstooge. I say bring them on. I’ll crucify them!
B: Ola would also like some more info about dead trees, is there a karmic cycle and will you replace tree books with something else?
Q: Trees are quite stupid. I believe they make sheep look like your Einstein. They don’t have souls, or much of a mind really either. When a tree dies, that is it. They can be roused but whatever action they take is the responsibility of the Ent doing the rousing. I alluded to the whole paper book thing earlier but if I were World Book Czar I’d also consider other numerous, renewable resources as possibilities for books.
B: Ichabod asks some rude questions, so I’m just going to open the floor to you in general on how you’ll deal with people like him.
Q: Miiiister Ichabod, I knoooooooow where you live! Those trees around your house, who do you think cares for them? And they tell me things. Very embarrassing things I might add. A good Ent would never resort to blackmail but a pragmatic Ent might have to do things that his Elders would take a bit more time to discuss, in the name of Self-defense of course. Being VERY careful Mister Ichabod…
B: Ummm, ok. *thinks how to reword future questions* You mention a new type of renewable resource for books. As World Book Czar you’d have the clout to get this type of initiative off the ground. I suspect a lot of Environmental Groups would also fully support you in this. Can you tell us any more about this new wonder resource?
Q: I don’t want to spoil my surprise, but I’ve been watching a bunch of your old movies and I think “Charlton Heston” is enough of a clue.
B: Wait a second…….. Are you saying Ola was right with her Comment?!?!?!
Q: Don’t be hasty now. Think about it.
B: *pulls out his chainsaw* GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MONSTER! You’re going to crucify us and then skin us and turn us into scrolls? That does it, you are OUT!!!!!
Q: And so your true colors are now flying. I see, only a human can be the World Book Czar. You are a narrow minded little sapling and I’d be doing the world a favor by becoming the World Book Czar and culling ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!! *Quickbeam begins roaring and stamping*
The Rest of the Story:
For obvious reasons this interview was “cut” short. Quickbeam destroyed our office building, stole our information on the other Candidates and then bounded away into the local forest. That Ent could move, I’ll give him that. If you come face to face with Quickbeam, do not attempt to apprehend him. He is dangerous and unless you’re a master with a chainsaw, he will crucify you, skin you and turn you into a book to write his memoirs on.
As much as it pains us, we are striking Quickbeam’s name from the list of Official Candidates. You don’t destroy OUR office and get away with it. Of course, there will be a write-in option so if enough insane people vote, he could still win. Personally, I’m stocking up on batteries for my electric chainsaw, just in case.
Next Month on Meet the Candidate:
Wow, after this interview I find myself a bit shaken. I looked over my other candidates and I think I’ve found a nice, safe, easy one for next month. A little Microsoft Excel sub-program known as HAL1000. If you have any questions for HK, or any thoughts on Quickbeam, please leave a comment.
Remember, you can always click on the “Meet the Candidate” tag to see all the candidates as they are revealed or the #worldbookczar one. I hope you enjoyed this. Until next time, Bookstooge Out.