Saint Bookstooge Gives Answer

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As you can see, the Denizens of Hell itself (namely, you all) presented me with a veritable book of questions to answer in my Confessional post. Being of stout heart and sound mind, I will answer such questions to put to rest any rumors that I am a crazy, grumpy nut job. And vote for me when the next election for World Book Czar comes around!

 

1 )  What is something a lot of people don’t know about you?

Good question!  I think the thing most people don’t know is that I’ve never been to Timbuktu. Surprising I know, but very true. The other is that I can never be President of the United States because while I’m a citizen and was born one, I was actually born in Canada. So you all will just have to settle for me as Dictator.

 

2 ) What would be the most offensive question a person could ask you and would you answer it?

I had to think about this one to be honest. A lot of it would have to do with the attitude behind the question. I guess though, it would be someone asking me to deny my faith in Jesus Christ.

On a less serious note, but personally offensive would be if someone asked me if I was a woman. Being bald, goatee’d and rather muscular in the chest and shoulders with a fine tenor voice, I’d have to question their motives in asking. And then probably punch them out for being a dumb git.

 

3 ) When living on the 4th floor of a block of flats, where should I plan to have my bunker installed?

Sadly,  bunkers and urban areas don’t mix real well.  If your building has a flat roof, you could begin surreptitiously building it up there. Of course, when the building is blown to smithereens, your bunker will fall 4 stories and make jelly out of you. So stock up on peanut butter, that way any survivors can have peanut butter and “jelly” sandwiches 😉

 

4 ) Have you ever been in a different country as to where you live and grew up(overseas)? If so where have you visited?

I’ve gone to Israel for 2 weeks back in the early ’00’s. I also did a road trip around Newfoundland (Canada) with an older couple who had always dreamed of doing that. They got a chauffeur and I got to see the sites. Both trips simply confirmed to me that I am a “stay in one place and stick there like mud” kind of guy. I don’t ever plan on travelling outside the US again and even travelling in-country is going to take something like a funeral or family commitments.

 

5 ) What does the Mona Lisa’s smile really signify?

I wish I could say it was something profound, or that it had to do with me, but like much of life, it was a rather petty thing. She had just found out that her sister had been dumped by the football quarterback at the school they were both attending. Jina Lisa had been insufferable up to that point so Mona was happy to see her taken down a peg or two.

 

6 ) It is commonly believed that aliens haven’t invaded Earth because they fear your righteous wrath. But one day you’ll die, and we’ll be defenseless. How can we prepare for the inevitable onslaught?

This is the kind of long range question that shows just how intelligent you all are. I love having followers who can think and extrapolate from that.  So to answer, your best bet is to keep on reading. Aliens hate reading for some reason. It makes it really hard for them to run their spaceships but hey, that’s their problem, right?

 

7 ) I heard you once beat Chuck Norris in an arm-wrestling contest. Is this true?

The only people who know the true answer to that are me, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee (who was the witness and wouldn’t promise to keep his mouth shut. You know what happened to him!)

 

8 ) When you tell someone the time, do you say, for example, “It’s seven-fifteen” or do you say “It’s a quarter past seven”?

When I’m at work, I use the precise 0715 military time but when at home or talking to friends, I tend to use the quarter of and quarter past.

 

9 ) Why are you in such a good mood when you wrote the Confessional post?

I had just gotten back from date night with Mrs B and we had eaten at a gourmet macaroni and cheese restaurant called Mr Mac’s. I’d had mac and pepperoni with pepperjack cheese and I was feeling full and fine. And I’d snuck in a rockstar on the side, so the caffeine was giving me a bit of a kick too.

 

10A ) What was the most difficult thing to teach Bruce Wayne?

You probably won’t believe this, but that little brat had a cockney accent as thick as the Thames. It was “ello guvna” this and “blimey” that. Personally, I place the blame squarely on Alfred’s shoulders. Teaching him to speak American with that special “upper crust” sneer took a couple of months. But he’s Batman, so he did pretty good considering.

 

10B ) What is something else you taught Batman? I’ve always wanted to be like him.

Without giving secrets that might endanger his mission of justice on this Earth, I can say that any time you see Batman rocking the Batsuit, I showed him the moves.  If you want to be like him, throw yourself around the room, whipping your spine as hard as possible. If you survive, you’re good to go!

 

11 ) Be honest, it was actually you who solved the “Death on the Nile” case but since you pitied Poirot you let him had that one?

He actually DID solve that one by himself, with no hand holding from me. But in the spirit of full disclosure, I might have had something to do with getting things taken care of on the Orient Express. He was pretty much out to lunch on Plambian phruze brandy at the time.

 

12 ) It is believed you faked the moon landing, is this true and if so how was it achieved?

This is probably the easiest question to answer. Yes, I did fake it. It was easy as pie because the truth is, there is no moon. Just a big piece of cheese in low orbit.  Nixon didn’t want to do it, but since most of you know how I feel about Commies, well, I couldn’t pass up the chance to bloody their noses. A camera, some duct tape and some metal was really all we needed. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how much money the Soviets wasted after that trying to get to the “moon”.  One of my finest moments!

 

13 ) What is the most infuriating book you’ve ever read?

Either Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, which I covered in a SaBB post or Walden & Civil Disobedience by Thoreau. Thoreau made me so angry for the entire book with his out of touch thoughts on “Nature” and “The Simple Life”.

 

14 ) What is your absolutely most favorite book (if you have one)?

Besides the Bible, which I’ve read through around 15 times,  Dune and Way-Farer are the two other books that I’ve re-read the most.  Something about those 2 caught my imagination when I was a teen and it just hasn’t let go since.

 

15 ) Why did you burn Rome while playing violin?

This is simply vile slander and calumny.  I was playing the saxophone, for goodness sake!  As for why, well, Billaxus the local grocer wouldn’t stock diet Pepsi but made a side deal with Coke. He also said that only pussies drank diet Pepsi.  Billaxus had to go!  So while things “might” have gotten a little out of control, I think everyone would agree with me that I just didn’t have any other choice. And then to make things even worse, that stinking Nero gets all the credit! What is the world coming to?!?!?

 

16 ) Where is the Rebel Base?

Oh please!  If that wuss Anakin SkycrybabypantsWalker can’t make me tell, you sure don’t stand a chance 😉  Ok, ok, I did say I would answer. It’s on Dagobah. Hahahahahahaa!

 

 

 

bookstooge (Custom)

 

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53 thoughts on “Saint Bookstooge Gives Answer

  1. Well, that was one of the weirdest Q&A sessions I’ve read!

    …..

    So when can we expect part 2? 😜

    I can’t get Bruce Wayne with a cockney accent out of my head! He immediately lost all the sex appeal he ever head!

    Very entertaining read 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bookstooge says:

      Excellent. I was aiming for as weird as possible and I have to admit, some of the questions really helped me push this into left field 🙂

      As for part 2, well, I suspect a good year or two. Gotta let things build up again you know.

      And if Batman lost it, then I definitely did this right. Mission Accomplished!

      Thank you. Sometimes, ok, most of the time, I just never know if my type of humor is going to appeal or come across as eye rollingly unfunny. I’m learning to live with that though 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yup, you ruined Batman forever!
    Actually no, it wasn’t you.. it was whatever ass loan let Beetlejuice play him *shudders*

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OlaG says:

    LOL! I actually really like Civil Disobedience! 😀 And I’m sure happy Thoreau wrote it when he did, Nature and Simple Life notwithstanding 😉

    On a side note, not sure what would be worse: saxophone or violin… I’d go with trombone or tuba, I guess, the low mourning trumpeting echoing over charred remains of the city would be really difficult to bear.. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bookstooge says:

      Oh man, I hate trombones. That sliding noise puts my mental teeth on edge.

      I also might have enjoyed Civil Disobediance, if it had been on its own. But coupled with Walden, anything would have been bad at that point.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. savageddt says:

    Thank you for taking time to answer our questions. We are humbled by your reactions. I’ll be sure to stock up on peanut butter

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Manuel Antao says:

    Ah! So it was you who burned Rome down…You must lend me your time-capsule. There’s a few things around here I want to burn down as well…My city apparently had a tsunami and a great big fire after the earthquake of 1755. That was bad, but at least it provided a chance for a bit of rebuilding. Plans were drawn up and all but it was all a bit much… never too keen on spending money. So the plans were shelved. And now we have the narrow and winding street system from the middle ages. Some other cities, like Paris, rebuilt much of their city so now they have wide avenues, boulevards and squares. Still, at least my city has the most expensive real estate in the world. Only the super rich can buy property and leave it empty most of the year…

    Did you also freed the slaves?

    “Romam uno die non fuisse conditam”. That’s why the Italians took so much time rebuilding it.

    NB: Tom Holland’s Rubicon is very good at conveying the anarchic, filthy violence of Republican Roma.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just in case any disasters happen on Dagobah in the future, I wanted to let you know that they have nothing to do with this conversation.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. bkfrgr says:

    😀 😀 😀 This was great!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Matt Cowper says:

    Thank you for answering our questions. I have learned much about you, so much that my paltry mortal mind is threatening to overload from the sheer awesomeness. If I don’t comment here again, you can assume I am in a coma.

    As the Zen koan goes, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” The answer: “Bookstooge.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bookstooge says:

      Matt, I wonder if you are the real life version of me? I ask this not only because I’m currently reading a late 90’s russian cyberpunk novel, but also because your comment is almost exactly how I’d respond to this kind of post if someone else had written it. Or maybe I’m the real one and you are my virtual self? It gets confusing, I’ll admit 🙂

      As for that koan, you’d think with how many times I’ve read Way-Farer that I’d have thought of that by now myself, but noooo….
      So thanks!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Matt Cowper says:

        Identity is certainly tricky. Perhaps we’re both part of a snarky rogue AI that hijacked two separate human bodies. By splitting itself up, the AI increased its chances of survival. One day we will merge, and then…well, we shouldn’t reveal too much. A hint: all your books are belong to us.

        That is just one of many sensible possibilities.

        But yes, I do enjoy your humor. It has the right flavoring of wackiness. Society wants us to be Super Serious, but I can’t be serious for more than 30 minutes at the time. This world is so crazy, and then you turn on mainstream news, for example, and some solemn newscaster is delivering the news like there’s absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. What?! Do you not see the insanity?!

        That’s why the Daily Show and the old Colbert Report were so popular: because a large number of people recognized we could best process this stuff by satirizing it.

        Ah, the Bookstooge comment section: where we talk about rogue AIs, the Mona Lisa, bunkers, wookies (I think; surely someone mentioned a wookie?), and benevolent dictators. Much eclectic.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Bookstooge says:

          You know how I mentioned that russian techno book? Your explanation would have fit right in with that!
          And to double up on it, I just started a Polity novel by Neal Asher, where that kind of thing, while not run of the mill, is more than possible 😀

          I’m glad you like the comments section. I know I do. With such an eclectic group of people who follow, I just never know WHAT is going get said, but something does every time 🙂

          Like

  9. JBT says:

    So just a few things.
    1. It is my understanding that to be President you must be a “natural born citizen”. There are two ways to acheive this. You can be, as you stated, born in the US or one of its territories. But the other way is to be born to a US Citizen. As I believe you do fall under that second way you can indeed aspire to become president.
    2. Anyone who uses “of” when telling time doesn’t understand how the English language or math works. Example: A quarter of 8 is 2.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I think a lot of people might prefer you to be in charge rather than Donald Trump!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Norrie says:

    I think we have a lot in common regarding Timbuktu and the US presidency 😀

    Great advice on bunkers too! Although i live on the ground floor, but i have people upstairs and i share a garden, so they probably wouldn’t appreciate any digging. I have my peanut butter stock sorted however, so i guess i’m good.

    Your explanation on Mona Lisa is very satisfying 😀 I can totally see it!

    Also, that mac&cheese… Yumm. It’s not a type of food i often eat, cuz one portion could literally cover my calorie needs for a whole a day, so i don’t take these things lightly, but whenever i actually make it i always try something different. That pepperoni one sounds so awesome i might just do that next time 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bookstooge says:

      I calculated the calories for that bowl of mac, it was almost 1500c. Definitely NOT something I’d eat every month 🙂

      I’m glad you enjoyed this post. It is a real balancing act of being weird without being too weird, if you know what I mean? But this type of thing just bubbles up out of me and I have to write it all down 😀

      Like

      • Norrie says:

        I’m glad you did!
        We need to let our weird out sometimes!

        1500 in one portion, wow!
        My daily need is around 1650, so I’d be sorted after that 😂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Bookstooge says:

          There is a reason we americans are pudgy these days 😀
          Thankfully, with my work, I can lose weight as long as I stay under 2K. I tend to go around 24K though, so every other year or so I have to cut back for a couple of months 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  12. A very trusted informer tells me that there was another witness to your encounter with Chuck Norris, and it was Jean-Claude VanDamme, who will not be beaten into silence (((evil laugh))). But might be bribed….
    😀 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Thank you for answering 😀 Your date sounded lovely, I am glad to hear you had a good time! I never ate Mac&cheese though so I have no idea if it’s the type of food that just makes you happy lol
    Alfred is a bad influence no wonder he was said to be the Joker in The Cape Crusader…. I heard he tried the same with Damian but the little devil bite his nose…
    Ho Poirot and alcohol…..A whole thesis could be written on it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bookstooge says:

      Mac-n-cheese is just pasta in the shape of macaroni with melted cheese. Very high fat, VERY tasty and just good. Unless you don’t like cheese, then you might want to stay away from it 😀 It is very much a comfort food.

      I laughed at your answers here 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Hahahahaahh I never thought I’d read a post with so much randomness emitting from it. The cockney accent on Bruce Wayne though hahahah They should make an Elseworlds story where he’d be born with it and grew up out there instead of Gotham! 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  15. […] a Tarantino film this month. Of course, neither of them was as ridiculous(ly fun to write) as the Saint Bookstooge Gives Answer post where I answered your questions. My goodness, the questions I got were so much fun that I just […]

    Like

  16. BrokenTune says:

    I’m not sure how I missed this post. But I am sure it will stick in my memory for a while. … Is that a good thing, Bookstooge? I think it might be.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. […] the manliest man I happen to know, like. Considering that someone once asked me if it was true that I beat Chuck Norris at Arm Wrestling, I think I’m pretty bleeping […]

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